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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Saving
Needs
Tomorrow
Went
Dies
Found
Reviewed
Money
Savings
Ever
Bank
Need
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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