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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Forget
Moving
Way
Move

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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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