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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Last
Escalator
Funny
Escalators
Anything
Marked
Years
Bought
Humor
Wife
Year
Lasts

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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman