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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lasts
Last
Escalator
Funny
Escalators
Anything
Marked
Years
Bought
Humor
Wife
Year
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
