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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Funny
Escalators
Anything
Marked
Years
Bought
Humor
Wife
Year
Lasts
Last
Escalator

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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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