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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lasts
Last
Escalator
Funny
Escalators
Anything
Marked
Years
Bought
Humor
Wife
Year
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
