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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Last
Escalator
Funny
Escalators
Anything
Marked
Years
Bought
Humor
Wife
Year
Lasts

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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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