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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Resolution
Year
Religion
Giving
Years
Lent
Resolutions

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman