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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lent
Resolutions
Resolution
Year
Religion
Giving
Years

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman