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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lent
Resolutions
Resolution
Year
Religion
Giving
Years

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
Henny Youngman
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny Youngman