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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Resolution
Year
Religion
Giving
Years
Lent
Resolutions
More quotes by Henny Youngman
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman