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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lent
Resolutions
Resolution
Year
Religion
Giving
Years
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman