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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Lent
Resolutions
Resolution
Year
Religion
Giving
Years

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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
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