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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Watch
Television
Funny
Never
Noticed
Families
Watches
More quotes by Henny Youngman
If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman