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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Noticed
Families
Watches
Watch
Television
Funny
Never
More quotes by Henny Youngman
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Henny Youngman
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman