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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Offended
Elected
Jokes
Often
Political

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Henny Youngman
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman