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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Political
Offended
Elected
Jokes
Often

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
Henny Youngman
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman