Quote

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Henny Youngman

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Jokes
Often
Political
Offended
Elected

More quotes by Henny Youngman

Image
A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
Image
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
Image
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman
Image
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
Image
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
Image
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
Henny Youngman
Image
My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman
Image
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
Image
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
Image
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
Image
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
Image
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
Image
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
Image
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
Image
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
Image
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
Image
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
Image
The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
Henny Youngman
Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman