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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Jokes
Often
Political
Offended
Elected

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
Henny Youngman
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
Henny Youngman
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Henny Youngman
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman