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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Kill
Husband
Doors
Wife
Opens
Either
Cooks
Way
Dresses
Men
Door
Car
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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