Quote

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Car
Kill
Husband
Doors
Wife
Opens
Either
Cooks
Way
Dresses
Men
Door

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman