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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wife
Opens
Either
Cooks
Way
Dresses
Men
Door
Car
Kill
Husband
Doors
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman