Quote

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Kill
Husband
Doors
Wife
Opens
Either
Cooks
Way
Dresses
Men
Door
Car

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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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