Quote

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Doors
Wife
Opens
Either
Cooks
Way
Dresses
Men
Door
Car
Kill
Husband

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Henny Youngman
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
Henny Youngman
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman