Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Awards
Please
Says
Wife
Funny
Payday
House
Envelope
May
Envelopes
Like
Academy
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman