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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
May
Envelopes
Like
Academy
Awards
Please
Says
Wife
Funny
Payday
House
Envelope
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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