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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wife
Funny
Payday
House
Envelope
May
Envelopes
Like
Academy
Awards
Please
Says
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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