Quote

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Wallet
Wallets
Grabbed
Cynical
Doctor
Doctors
Humor
Funny
Cough

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman