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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Behinds
Behind
Nobody
Hitting

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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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