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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Behinds
Behind
Nobody
Hitting

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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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