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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Worth
Twenty
Year
Twenties
Five
Ten
Getting
Carry
Humorists
Two
Dollars
Groceries
Today
Stronger
Inflation
Years
Americans
Sarcastic
People
Took
Comedian
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman