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Let's get up here before we get killed!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Killed

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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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