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Let's get up here before we get killed!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Killed

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny Youngman
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Henny Youngman
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
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The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor!.
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman