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Let's get up here before we get killed!

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Killed

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman