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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Dead
Went
Wife
Called
Hotel
Sea

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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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