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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Hotel
Sea
Dead
Went
Wife
Called

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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