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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Worse
Couldn
Married
Better
Done
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
Henny Youngman
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
Henny Youngman
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman