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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Worse
Couldn
Married
Better
Done
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Henny Youngman
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny Youngman
Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman