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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Married
Better
Done
Worse
Couldn

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
Henny Youngman
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
Henny Youngman
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
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I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Henny Youngman
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
Henny Youngman
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman