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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Married
Better
Done
Worse
Couldn

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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Henny Youngman