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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Bought
Car
Wife
Called
Water
Lake
Lakes
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman