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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Car
Wife
Called
Water
Lake
Lakes
Bought
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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