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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Two
Dollars
Baby
Gets
Worth
Food
Sitter
Five
Teenage
Hours
Teenager
Inspirational
Hour
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In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
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I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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