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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Food
Sitter
Five
Teenage
Hours
Teenager
Inspirational
Hour
Two
Dollars
Baby
Gets
Worth
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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