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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Funny
Bookcase
Book
Bookcases
Lend
Fifty
Hundred
Nobody
Books
Reading

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
Henny Youngman