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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Memories
Taught
Education
History
Memory
Teaching
Teacher

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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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