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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
History
Memory
Teaching
Teacher
Memories
Taught
Education

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman