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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Diets
Starts
Weight
Soon
Wife
Light
Eater
Dieting

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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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