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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Aging
Silly
Happiness
Use
Money

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage? No, jump in!
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
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I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman