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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Aging
Silly
Happiness
Use
Money

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
Henny Youngman
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.
Henny Youngman
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
Henny Youngman
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
Henny Youngman
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
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My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Henny Youngman
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman