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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Money
Aging
Silly
Happiness
Use

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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman