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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Aging
Silly
Happiness
Use
Money

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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? I was ironing, and the phone rang! What about the other ear? Had to call the doctor!
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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Let's get up here before we get killed!
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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The Doctor says, You'll live to be 60! I AM 60! See, what did I tell you?
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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