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What is a home without children? Quiet.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Home
Without
Children
Toddler
Sentimental
Silly
Quiet
Baby
Kids

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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, So did my arthritis!
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
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I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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