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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Always
Shops
Life
Shopping
Married
Marriage
Hold
Wife
Funny
Newlyweds
Hands
Bachelors

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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I live about four muggings from Central Park.
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
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A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henny Youngman
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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, Crick.
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman
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A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, That's what puzzles me!
Henny Youngman
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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
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We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman