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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Adventure
Succeed
Success
Funny
Skydiving
Inspirational
Violinist
Firsts
Hilarious
First
Comedian
Much
Humorous
More quotes by Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Henny Youngman
Let's get up here before we get killed!
Henny Youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman
A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
Henny Youngman
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
