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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Hilarious
Firsts
Comedian
First
Humorous
Much
Adventure
Succeed
Success
Skydiving
Funny
Violinist
Inspirational

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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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A tough guy told me, I'll bet you $10 you're dead. I was afraid to bet him.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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If I had blood, I'd blush.
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The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
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I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
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I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, Can I park here? No says the cop. What about all these other cars? They didn't ask!
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman