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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Started
Drunk
Says
Judge
Drinking
Brought
Judging
Fronts
Front
Okay
Beer
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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What is a home without children? Quiet.
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
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A doctor says to a man, You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day. Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, How is your love life since you have been running? I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer!
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
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I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
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