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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Okay
Beer
Started
Drunk
Says
Judge
Drinking
Brought
Judging
Fronts
Front
More quotes by Henny Youngman
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
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A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're single!
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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Henny Youngman
