Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.
Henny Youngman
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Judging
Fronts
Front
Okay
Beer
Started
Drunk
Says
Judge
Drinking
Brought
More quotes by Henny Youngman
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
Henny Youngman
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, Which way do I go? But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny Youngman
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
Henny Youngman
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, Tut, Tut!
Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman