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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman
Age: 91 †
Born: 1906
Born: March 16
Died: 1998
Died: February 24
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Musician
Violinist
City of Liverpool
Much
Divorces
Jewish
Divorce
Cost
Worth
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Henny Youngman

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Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
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I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
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Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.
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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
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Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, Huh. I lost 100 pounds!
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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Henny Youngman
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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
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A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
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I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Henny Youngman
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. Peanuts. Popcorn.
Henny Youngman
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
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Now, the band that inspired that great saying, Stop The Music!!
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny Youngman
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
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Doctor says to a man, You're pregnant! The man says, How does a man get pregnant? The doctor says, The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
Henny Youngman